The Twain Report
All The News That Mark Twain Says He Would Report If He Was Alive Today
In a surprise move the other day, New Jersey governor Chris Christy made it illegal to use psychological manipulation and hypnotism to convert gay people into straight people.
And in related news, Christy was the keynote speaker at a meeting of the Gay Peoples Alliance, where he said, "Just remember, it's you pretty boys, you manly women, and me, against the rest of the world. Why, I was gay in my last life. Oh, and by the way, I'm running for president in the next election."
Later that same day, Christy appeared on the 7-11 Club with Pat Robertson, and said, "I was just giving God some advice the other day, and He told me that He causes earthquakes, tidal waves, and tornadoes because He hates Gay people. Oh, and by the way, Jesus wrote in the Old Testament that I will be the next president of the United States, and will usher in a new day of mindless grinning intolerance."
Even later the same day, Christy spoke to a Flat Earth Society convention, where he said, "It is my deeply-held belief that the earth has always been flat, is flat today, and will always be flat. Just remember that when the next presidential election rolls around."
And later the same day, Christy spoke to a large group of aerospace engineers, saying, "If I am elected president, I will build huge spaceships that will carry humanity to all of the nice planets throughout the galaxy, and at the same time solve our landfill problems by dumping our garbage on those planets. And of course I will outlaw the Flat Earth Society."
Why, in that one day, Christy- a rotound man by any definition of the word- demonstrated a flexibility that would embarrass a drunken olympic gymnast. Which is why Christy has the Twain Report's full endorsement for the position of unarmed guard at one of New Jersey's incredibly polluted Superfund sites.