I just found out that the feds, your brilliant goverment used your money to fund another critical study. What have we learned from this study? Okay, hold on. Waaaaaaaaaaait for it. Drum roll please.
We learned that getting high on cocaine and listening to jazz music makes rats happy! Thank God we know now! The last thing we need is a bunch of depressed rats running around. I can sleep a lot better now. There is a rumor that the findings of what makes rats sad will soon be released. Don't tell anybody, but what makes a rat really, really sad is to be caught in a trap. THEY HATE THAT! Unless the trap has cocaine and Miles Davis music. Then it's not so bad.
Oh, and on a related story. The scent of lemons can help a monkey get a boner.