GOP Pledge to America

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GOP Pledge to America

Or the final draft changes

This document was found in a trash can outside of the Senate Office Building along with a bottle of wrinkle cream, a free download music card from a local coffee shop and an empty packet of eye glass cleaning wipes.


From the Desk of Agent Orange (JB in case you forgot!)

To MM, Ms Doggy

Hey Ms Doggy!

(OK, OK, I know you don’t like that code name, but we did agree that in order to keep this secret until we get it approved and out, we’d use them. Sorry you got stuck with that one, but hey, it does rhyme with your name. Anyway, I crossed out our names and inserted our nicknames just in case.)

I have made a few changes that I think might be helpful in getting this to the “real” people of this country. I think it does what we discussed - makes it so the little guy can understand just enough of what we are about, but not too much. Anyway Ms Doggy, let me get on with it.

(OK, OK, I’ll be sure you get a nice addendum to your tobacco lobby check next week, but I just had to put that in there again, heheheh!)

Anyway, my notes are in italics under each line. I’ve tried to Highlite the deletions for you too, but you know me and computers. If you can’t swing a club at with a drink in one hand a cigarette in the other, I can’t handle it.


(I added this so we can say stuff right up front for the people who won’t read more than a few lines. I also think it makes it sound more “official” kind of like that Constitution thing the Government has. Is that where the Con in Neo-Con comes from?)

We the people of the GOP, Great Oppositional Party, want the rest of you to know what we stand for.

(like the new name?!! Just say “Hell no!” Hehehehe! But are we ready to make that public yet. We’ll have to see what HE says)

We stand for a lot things. We stand for big businesses and letting them do their thing.

(See how I put that about the deregulation thing there? Takes the word recognition out of it)

We, the GOP members of government, need our lobbyist checks. We stand for keeping things the way they were and because of this, we are making the following pledges:

(is this good or what! Notice I didn’t say when. Gotta let the people choose, after all)

(Also, I decided that we really did not want to have each of the pledges sponsored at this point. It’s best if it looks like it’s actually coming from people and not our corporate sponsors. I’m pretty sure we can keep the money we already got for this if we promise to add it back in, once I’m in the Speaker’s seat.)

1. WE PROMISE to make and then keep everything the same as it was. Change is a socialist, communist plot to make Government take over your life and we know you don’t want that, unless we are the Government, in which case we won’t tell you what we are doing. Brought to you by the Koch Brothers Fund for a Static World – “We got ours, so why would we change anything?”

(be sure to delete all the sponsorships)

2. We Promise to make you rich! Just put all your jewelry and other small valuables, including gold in this envelope and mail it to Pledge to America, box 1353, Washington DC. 80934. Your offering donation to our cause will come back 10 fold! Please do not

(Delete offering and insert donation)

discard or ignore this plea, as the Angel of Death will visit you and your family bad luck for

(Gotta delete that Angel stuff… we’re already supporting enough wackoes!)

seven years may result for such inaction. Brought to you by Gold Find! - the People who want your gold and only want to pay you a little bit for it!

(I did like the religious stuff, but don’t want to give any ideas to our friends on the religious right)

3. We Promise to never, ever, lie to you again; and when we do, we promise to be sure that we do not tell you that we lied, are lying or will lie, ever again. Sponsored by Fox News.

(Birdshot, our good friend from the previous Administration gave me this one. I think it’s just brilliant and have sent to to Fox News for their new Logo)

4. We Promise to not add any new taxes for the “real” people of this country. the ones who count, the ones who earn more than you or your friends ever hope to earn.

(Delete all of that who counts stuff.)

Sponsored by the Billionaires’ Club of Manhattan

(Rich Kid, aka S F wrote that stuff I crossed out, but we don’t want to show our hand too soon)

5. We Promise to rewrite the history of the New GOP from the beginning in 1980 under the Great Communicator, in order that no one on the left can point out how stupid we have been, nor how badly we f***ed messed things up during the last GOP administration. Brought to you by the Bush Family of Government Foundations and Electioneering and the Dick Cheney Blood and Transplant Bank, Nosferatu, Tx.

(Gotta keep it clean;I cut the F bomb out and put in another word. Nixon could get away with that kind of language, but RR and Nancy brought back respect and civility to the Whitehouse, you know?)

6. We Promise to put the “Con” back into Conservatism! Sponsored by Madeoff, Lay and Associates, “Who you gonna trust?”

(I have no idea what this means, but KR insisted that we include it)

7. We Promise that the next time you go to pay your bills, all your money will go to paying your bills and none to wasteful government spending like schools, police, fire and infrastructure. Those are just socialist ideas and we’ve already shown the superiority of Capitalism over Communism when we tore down that cement wall in Germany! Sponsored by the great people of the Russian Mob – “Cyrillic Crime when you need it! Now in the New World too!”

(I like the reference to past GOP glories and also brings back RR again. Man I loved that man - speaking of which)

8. We Promise to bring back the Reagan Days by having him stuffed and put under glass in the White House Lobby where our psychics can communicate and channel his spirit daily so he can better advise us all - Call our Psychics at 1-900-***-****! Only $3.00 a minute to find out what the future holds for you! Sponsored by the Christina ODonnell Campaign to put our Ex-Witch, Ex-Onanator into Office, any Office and her Mom and Dad.

(Nancy had her astrologer, so I figure the Pat Robertsons will be OK with Psychics. If he objects we’ll cut him in on that $3.00 a minute thing; also we need to be sure to have the right number in this one so Rush and the Fox guys can put it out right away)

9. We Promise to not have any original ideas, not now, not ever. New is change, change is socialism, socialism is bac, bad means we don’t keep as much of the money we steal earn. Brought to you by the John Birch Society, now under the management of the Tea Party.

(We haven’t had any new Ideas since Teddy Roosevelt anyway, and he left us to be some Moose or something. Not; changed steal to earn. Wanna be sure the little guys think we are on their side.)

10. We want to keep your Social Security out of the hands of the Government. We don’t want the Government spending 1% of your contributions on administering these funds when we can get our Good friends on Wall Street to do the same for just a %5 fee per transaction! – Goldman Sacks is hell on wheels about America!

(We need some kind of plan or program that will get this money back in the hands of the brokers where it belongs. Maybe call it voluntary opt-out, but then later make it mandatory. If we can confuse the old people like we did with Medicare Options it should be pretty easy)

11. We promise to outsource Government, and we’ll make it competitive. China and India have already sent us bids for things like Veteran’s Administration and Military Procurement. Brought to you by the Chamber of Commerce of America – We say we represent Small Businesses but we don’t.

( this really cool. I got it from the dog food lady running for Senate in the Exterminator’s State! She did this with her company and made a slough of money! Besides we make this a double win for us because a lot of what India and China can procure will be old stuff from the Soviets that the new Russian Capitalists are selling off cheap. We can charge local prices for new hardware, and buy old stuff on the cheap. I think that guy whose name was some kind of drink who ran the Pentagon for Dubya came up this Idea back when he Birdshot were in the Nixon Administration.

12. We promise to never agree with the Democrats on anything, ever! The last time we did that, they got all the credit, so we promise to just say no to everything and wait until we are back in power to do anything so we will get all the credit for good ideas. Brought to you by the John Boner Foundation for Quality Government.

13. We promise to makes sure that we apply the laws of the Christian Faith to all legal issues going forward, unless those laws disagree with the Laws of Business.

( I thought this was pretty clever, cause the Religious guys will only see the Christian thing and our business friends will hone in on the business phrase. In the end we can make this mean anything we want)

(I think if we keep this at a nice round number like 13, then we won’t confuse anyone and no one will be holding some of those strange signs at our Town Meetings, but then they don’t have that many, since we pack them with our own people)

So let me know what you think and we’ll get this right off to Rush for his approval.

Agent Orange


Bonsai's picture
Jun. 11, 2010 10:40 am


sorry about the formatting, there should be font size changes and strikeouts in this as well....

Bonsai's picture
Jun. 11, 2010 10:40 am

Part 1 - Is Economic Disaster About to Hit & Are You Prepared?

Thom plus logo Right now the United States and the world are facing four massive trends that, in combination, we haven't faced since the 1920s. We are seeing the rise of a new and brutal form of governance with extraordinary industrial capacity and power in China, much as Nazi Germany rose in Europe.
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