While it is somewhat unethical to diagnose problems in patients which have not been formally examined, I don’t have a problem with this. After all, I am not a psychiatrist and I don’t play one on TV either. But I know crazy when I see it. The signs of crazy are all over Donald. As sure as Sarah Palin had a case of the simples, Donald has a case of the crazies. His helter skelter oratory spectacles are a good place to start after we deal with his vision problems.
First off, anyone with hair that color would have to be suspect, unless he has a color vision problem that makes it impossible for him to see what we see. If he were “Where’s Waldo” you could pick him out of a herd of ‘whatever’ in a flash. This health problem that Donald has is pretty minor, but I am getting to the more serious ones, including neurologic pathology. As a fan of cryptozoology, this is my strong suit.
I am concerned that Donald doesn’t get enough sleep. Maybe his casket in his bat cave needs a gel foam mattress. He needs to be careful because they are flammable. I suggest using an asbestos doo-rag before bedtime. Better yet, he could hang himself on a hook. He has to spend several hours every day fussing with that orange thing that is nesting on his head. This must be a big challenge when you can’t see your hair in a mirror. The hook would avoid bed head and save a huge, amazing amount of time--believe me! I wonder who grooms that thing for him? Does he have a full time hair stylist? Maybe a curator instead…someone ask an expert…where's Jack Hanna?
So let’s get on to the more serious stuff. Ever watch him giving a speech and observe the following? He can’t move his mouth without moving his hands. After studying this behavior closely I have figured out what ‘s going on. Crazy Donald is actually an auto-ventriloquist. He has strings going up his coat sleeves. Notice that you have never seen him without a coat or long sleeved shirt on. This is to hide the strings. He is actually asleep during each one of this talks and is programmed to operate his head and lips with his strings.
I know that you are all grateful for my concern about Crazy Donald. I am watching him and will update you with the next diagnosis. So far we have color vision and mirror vision deficits, sleep deprivation disorder, tonsorial malpractice and auto-ventriloquist syndrome.
Tell us your diagnosis. He needs our help fast. Dare to be a doctor—he does with Hilary every day now.