CO-ORDINATING KNOWLEDGE WITH ACTION
Nine times out of ten, when we co-ordinate what we know with what we should be doing, something gets done. The rest of the time, it doesn’t get done, for unknown reasons.
Crime does not pay—it pays off.
DOING THE WRONG THING THE RIGHT WAY
34% of people who have the intention of doing the right thing do the wrong thing. 92% of the 34% of people who have the intention of doing the right thing but do the wrong thing don’t realize they’re doing the wrong thing. 98% of the 92% of the 34% of people who have the intention of doing the right thing that don’t realize they’re doing the wrong thing would do the right thing if they knew what that was. The other 2% are politicians and corporations (assuming corporations are people).
Here’s a few genetic facts about Eugenic Eugene:
Eugenic Eugene’s genes haven’t hurt him none.
Eugenic Eugene’s genes are the genes for me.
I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing here, but I’d better get out of here quick before I find myself.
FAIR FAIRY TALE
People don’t think about what’s really fair, just what they think is fair, which is usually unfair.
GLIMMER OF HOPE? NOPE.
I saw a glimmer of hope for the world, and I lost a few pounds of despair, but then I was fed a ton of bad news, the pounds piled back on, and now I’m more cynical than ever…
HOW I JUDGE OTHERS
If I was as bad as you say I am, I would be you, but if I were you, you would be a much better person.
I hate idioms—they’re so idiotic!
IF MONEY IS SPEECH, THEN…
Now that the Supreme Court has ruled that money is speech, you are going to have to put your money where your mouth is.
Sometimes when your brain is telling you you’re going insane, you can just sleep it off.
Once you’ve slept it off, you can sleep it back on again, then it will be time to wake up and you’ll forget everything…
…everything you’ve ever dreamed of.
IT’S ALL JUST TALK
There’s nothing that you would want to talk about with me, or that I would want to talk about with you, that we would want to talk about, if you know what I’m talking about…
LOST IN THOUGHT
The reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
MIND OVER MATTER
It has been traditionally assumed that it was “mind over matter” but now it seems that “matter” seems to be winning over “mind” (which really doesn’t matter much to me because I don’t mind).
MY PURPOSE IN LIFE
Telling others how to run their lives gives my life special meaning.
NEW HEALTH WARNINGS
Coke will give you a stroke. Pepsi causes epilepsy. Steer clear of root beer. Mountain Dew will do you in.
ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER
Life can make you happy.
Then life can make you sad.
You can feel like you’re in Heaven.
Or life can become a living Hell.
Life can be full of love.
Or it can be empty with loneliness.
You know…if it isn’t one thing, it’s the other!
PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT
62% of people who don’t think have no idea what they’re talking about, but continue to talk about it anyway. 99.3 percent of people who do think, think they know what’s going on, but only 23 percent of those only think they know what’s going on, without actually knowing what’s going on.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
This is to announce that the public will no longer be served.
Rain drops keep fallin’ on my head,
But that doesn’t mean that I will soon be dropping dead,
Dyin’s not for me.
Those raindrops keep fallin’ on my head,
They keep fallin’.
Till I’m buried at sea.
That’s where they’re buryin’ me.
THE WET BUT NOT DEAD YET POET
RENT A CONGRESSMAN
I was thinking of starting a business where you could rent a Senator or Representative, since most of them have already been bought.
To be or not to be, that is the question.
A. To be.
B. Not to be.
C. Either A or B.
STUPID WAYS OF SOLVING PROBLEMS
Whenever I have a problem, I try to avoid doing the smart thing. First of all, I try to blame someone else for the problem. Once I have figured out who that person is, I can start to harass and persecute him. If he or anyone else suggests a good solution, I will argue with them, insisting that they’re wrong and I’m right. If he doesn’t admit that he’s wrong and I”m right, then we start to yell at each other, and if that doesn’t work I point out to him all his weaknesses and faults. Then I try doing a bunch of stupid things instead of the smart thing, and get mad when the stupid things don’t work out. Then I find someone to blame (not myself) that things didn’t work out. Then I complain that things never work out. Then I get into another argument, and we both forget what the original problem was—problem solved.
THE COSMIC SCHEME OF THINGS
In the Cosmic scheme of things, anything is possible and anything that’s possible has probably already happened, so planning for the future is really just re-living the past.
The antithesis of Anti-theism is not anti-this or anti-that, nor is it necessarily antithetical to being theoretically ethical.
THE 99 PERCENT AND THE ONE PERCENT
From the point of view of the 99%, the 1% have way too much money. From the point-of-view of the 1%, way too much is not enough.
THE PRICE OF WORLD DOMINATION
World for sale!! (asking price: your soul). Depreciation allowance available for tax purposes.
THE REAL CAUSE OF GLOBAL WARMING
It isn’t fossil fuels—it’s all that “hot air” from politicians and the media.
THINKING OVER MY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
I shouldn’t be blamed for what I think, because I’m told what to think, and although what I’m told to think isn’t what I really think, I think it anyway so people won’t laugh at me. Do you think this is a good idea?
I may not be as smart as I think I am, but even if I’m only half that smart, that’s pretty smart.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
I think, therefore I am, and I do, therefore I’ve been there, done that.
I think, therefore I am, I do, therefore I’m done for.
THOUGHTLESS PEOPLE WHO THINK
In a scientific poll that was never conducted, it was found that 18 percent of people who think are thoughtless people.
TOILET PAPER PUZZLE
Toilet paper used to always be advertised as “soft” which makes sense, but lately, I’ve been seeing “strong” toilet paper, which puzzles me. Who would want toilet paper to be strong? Then it occurred to me—hard-assed people.
WHAT TO EXPECT
If you mix good with bad, the best outcome you can expect is not so bad, but not as good as you might expect.
WHY DO THINGS ALWAYS GO WRONG?
The reason things going wrong has such a bad reputation is because people are always complaining about things going wrong, but seldom complain when things go as they should*. This is unfortunate, because sometimes when things go wrong, good comes out of it. But most of the time, when things go wrong, they just go wrong, and that isn’t right.
*It should be noted, however, that there is a substantial number of people who complain when things go right.
WHY I KNOW BEST
My pundits are smarter than your pundits.
WHY I NEVER TAKE ADVICE FROM ANYONE
If I don’t take your advice, I have only myself to blame if your advice is good. If I do take your advice, and your advice is bad, I’ll have not only myself to blame but you as well.
WHY MY MIND IS FULL OF STRANGE THOUGHTS
Strange thoughts sometimes pop into my head, and since I’m closed-minded, they stay there.
WHY THE GRASS SEEMS TO BE GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it’s because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
WHY WE’RE SUNK
Planet Earth is like a sinking ship where everyone is arguing whose fault it is that the ship is sinking.
WHY YOU DO WHAT YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO DO
If you know what you want to do and you do what you want to do, you’ll get to do what you want. And who wouldn’t want that?
WHY YOU SHOULD IGNORE IGNORANT RANTS
An ignorant rant is a rant in which the ranter doesn’t know what he’s saying—you should ignore ignorant rants.