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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight I am going to share with you my feelings about the recent midterm election, and what it means for the rest of my term.

I’m sure that those of you across the country who voted for Republican candidates, and in particular those associated with the Tea Party, wanted to send me a message. Well, I want to assure you that I have received it. Because of the difficulty of getting any of my programs through the divided Congress, I have decided to take some executive actions. All of the following will take effect immediately.

First, you have told me that you were turned off by my administration’s attempts to stimulate the economy. Fine. All spending by the Federal government will now cease. I will not sign into law any bill calling for the Federal government to fund any program, including defense. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are on their own. This will result in savings of billions of dollars.

Second, you told me you wanted to repeal our health care initiative. It pains me to do this, but effective today, the United States Government is getting out of health care entirely. This of course includes Medicare and Medicaid payments. VA hospitals will be closed.

Third, the message you sent indicated that we are too involved in your everyday lives. That problem ends today. I am firing the heads and staff of the Departments of Education, Housing, Environmental Protection and the Interior, and I will not replace them. The duties those agencies once performed will now be done by the states, or not at all.

Fourth, you wanted the chance to do more with your own money. I am therefore repealing the Federal income tax, and along with it, Social Security. This will achieve the goal of making government smaller, which is something we have heard about ad infinitum throughout this campaign. The IRS and FDIC will be phased out within a year, as there will be no money to fund them.

Finally, there is Congress itself. Since the Federal government will have no ready source of income, we have to cut back on all expenditures. Therefore I am setting a new pay range for Congressmen, Senators, and staff: zero.

Thank you, and God help America.

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